I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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