she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
