Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
