Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
