Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Someone signed my nipple.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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