your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
