I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
