My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
