look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
