Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
