So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
