Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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