I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
