Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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