Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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