now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
