Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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