Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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