i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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