after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
