Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
