I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
