he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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