I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
