OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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