oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
