Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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