Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
