Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
