i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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