my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
