Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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