I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
