so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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