Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
