dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
