I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
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I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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