I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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