Im at strip club and am horny
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
