You made me cry and you don't even care
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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