The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
