The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
