remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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