just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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