Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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