90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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