I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
