i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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