I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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