i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
