why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
did i just pee glitter
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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