my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
