Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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