The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
