And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
