The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
