Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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