I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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